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WOULD IT FLY TODAY?
Eduord T. Nelosni
Would Islam, if invented today, have a chance of
success, or even survival? Let's explore the
possibilities. Yes, it’s certainly impressive that well
over a billion inhabitants of the world profess Islam as
their sacred religion, but would it fly today? That is
the question!
Here's a scenario, but updated to the 20th
century: A character, by name Muhammad, which I
understand is still a popular name in the area, was born
in 1904, in a 4th World country. He had a rough early
life and grew up mad at the world! His father died
before he was born, and his mother when he was only
six. A grandfather took him in but the grandfather died
six years later, when he was twelve. He was then passed
on to an uncle. This was in 1916, and World War I was
in full swing, but the fighting was far to the north,
hardly effecting Muhammad’s part of the world.
The uncle had a prosperous company, Dromedary Transport
Ltd., using camels, in a trading center of the area
called Mekkah. The kid was immediately put to work and
served the uncle for thirteen years moving cargo from
here to there in his part of the world, and several
other surrounding countries.
The camel drivers were a horny and rowdy lot, and women
were few and far in between. It can only be imagined
what a temptation, a tender 12 year old, was for some of
the drivers. While on the road, they would camp out (no
Motel 6’s available). Their usual entertainment was to
sit around a camel-chip campfire, drinking home brew and
telling stories. Since the kid had never been to
school, and at best could make his mark, what education
he picked up was through these stories. But not
attending school was no great loss; the few schools
around taught that the world is flat and that the sun
revolves around the earth! Some of the drivers were
Christians and Jews so he picked up a garbled version of
the Talmud and Bible, some local folk tales, and even
some ancient Greek stories.
In 1929, when Muhammad was 25, the uncle had a serious
problem with some illegal immigrants trying to muscle in
on the uncle’s operation. The uncle called on all
relatives to fight, including Muhammad. Things got hot
in a hurry, and Muhammad yelled, “Feet, do your thing!”
and took off! As could be expected, after the battle,
which the uncle and his forces won, Muhammad was given
the boot. This was also the year of the Great Stock
Market Crash, but it practically went unnoticed in
Muhammad’s part of the world. There were few people
with any cash money, no local stock markets, few
telephones, radios, or cars and practically nothing to
export with exception of a little frankincense, myrrh,
and gum-Arabic. Most of the people there lived with a
dog’s philosophy; if you can’t eat it, or screw it, piss
on it!
For a short while, he worked as a sheepherder; the only
job lower in his part of the world was a camel breeder.
That’s the guy who, by hand, has to be sure that the
camels get their yin and yang together! But fortune
smiled on our hero. He snagged a job as a traveling
salesman, peddling sheet goods for a wealthy widow. In
less than a year, he went from broke and homeless to a
comfortable life. He took a short cut by marrying the
much older widow! He was 25; she was 40! It’s not
known if his sudden good fortune was due to a fantastic
sales record of sheet goods, or excellent performance
between the sheets with the widow. However, according
to the local yokels, it was a good marriage; each got
what they wanted. The lonely widow got a young stud,
and our boy achieved instant prosperity. Also, in that
part of the world, a woman has few rights of her own,
and fewer if not married. (Gloria Steinem had not as
yet been born!) A wife caught taking a lover could
rapidly reach room temperature, but a husband was
expected to mess around, with as many women as
possible. And, our young man played the role of local
stud with great gusto. Starting three years after his
marriage, in 1932, he had five kids with his girl-
friends in just seven years, financed by his wife’s
money, of course. Some years later, Muhammad bragged to
his friends that he could service up to nine of his
women in a single night… what a man! And this was years
before Viagra! So, from 1932 to 1947, he lived a
comfortable life and dallied with the local ladies.
There wasn’t much else to do for entertainment; to this
day, the town has no bars, poolrooms, or movie
theaters…not even a Starbucks or McDonalds.
In 1944, when 40, fifteen years after his first
marriage, he really “wierded out” and started to have
“revelations” or hallucinations, depending on your point
of view. He would hike up to a mountain cave near his
home, with a Sack full of goatburgers and meditate,
sometimes for several days. There were no local drug
pushers, so there had to be another explanation. There
are several; take your pick! He might have been an
epileptic, or suffered from a mental illness of some
sort, a brain tumor, or had been kicked in the head by a
camel! Muhammad’s first revelation, which he seems to
have believed, was that he had been chosen as God’s
(Allah’s) last and most perfect prophet on earth! The
Angel Gabriel told him so!
Though the civilized world was being turned upside down
by World War II, in Muhammad’s little backwater of the
world, things chugged along as they had done for
thousands of years. You ate with your right hand, and
wiped your butt with the left. To this day, inside
plumbing, toilet paper, deodorant and such are hi-tech
items!
His second revelation came, in 1947, after a dry spell
of three years, but then continued in a steady stream.
He had convinced a few relatives and close friends that
sure enough, he was God’s Prophet! The most spiritual,
or outrageous, story was the following: In 1953, his
buddy Gabriel, showed up again and took him for a trip
through the heavens. They rode on the back of a “white
mule-like beast “ with a female human head to Jerusalem,
where he prayed a couple of times at the second Jewish
Temple, which by the way, had been in ruins for over 500
years. Then they zipped off to Heaven, where he had a
bull session with all the lesser prophets including
Adam, Abraham, Moses and even Jesus! Since he had
already been designated as God’s Last and Most Perfect
Prophet, we can assume that all were properly respectful
of his superior position.
In that same year, 1947, when 49, his first wife died,
and then an uncle, not the one that had thrown him out
for being a coward, also died. This uncle had been
protecting him against his enemies, mostly his own
relatives. On this bad news, he took off , bag and
baggage, to safety in a nearby town. He stayed only a
short while, until he could cut a deal with the head of
another family clan for protection. By this time he has
his own band of groupies, his “Companions”, who followed
him around, like little puppies, scribbling down
everything that he said. There were no Office Depot or
Staples stores handy, to load up on ballpoint pens and
tablets, but they made do with rocks, pieces of wood,
animal hides, or anything else that didn’t move. And,
if nothing was handy, his inner circle committed each
precious word to memory; every one of them had total
recall! After all, they were recording God’s (Allah’s)
words, dripping from the lips of His Last and Most
Perfect Prophet! The more profound statements were
eventually collected and put down in a haphazard book
form, which then became “God’s Holy Book”! And several
thousand of the less profound observations or opinions
of God, such as how to part your hair, blow your nose,
put on your shoes, take a whiz, fornicate, or shave your
crotch, were equally revered, because they also came
directly from the mouth of God’s Prophet! The bit about
shaving the crotch wasn’t to keep pubic hairs from
peeping out from under a thong; it was used back then,
and still today, as the best way to control “crabs”, or
crotch lice. Blue Star Ointment was not as yet
available in the area.
Though difficult to imagine, the combination of God’s
Holy Book and the less profound statements became
absolute law for any and all of Muhammad’s followers, so
much so that these revelations later became the only
base for the legal system of his area’s society, even to
this day. What a concept!
About this time our Prophet went public with his
message, but few were interested, especially the Jews
and Christians he was trying to reach. Some laughed
their heads off at him, not realizing at the time that a
short while later their heads would really come
off!
And, in the same year of his first wife’s death, he
marries two other wives, and eventually at least eight
others; some people say fifteen. But, deciding if a
woman was a wife or not was tough. His groupies said
that if Muhammad insisted they wear a veil, they were
wives; otherwise they were just live-in girlfriends.
But give him his due; he didn’t start his marrying spree
until his first wife died. This was undoubtedly due to
a consideration of her feelings, though a mean spirited
person might suspect that she had a firm control of the
family purse strings until her death.
His third wife Aisha, was a political move, since she
was the daughter of his bosom buddy, Abu Bakr.
Muhammad had already decided that Abu would take over
the family business when our Prophet was called home to
Heaven. The bridegroom was about 50 at the time
and the bride was either six or nine, depending on your
source of info. But it was certainly a lie that
the bride’s grade school was let out early so her fellow
students could attend the wedding; there were no schools
as yet in the area. And, practically everyone
agrees that “opening night” didn’t happen until three
years later, when she was either nine or twelve, again
depending on your source of information. If
nothing else, this clearly proved that God’s Prophet was
compassionate, and considerate towards children!
Three years later, in 1956, our Prophet had picked up
about seventy followers but he also still had some
serious enemies, mostly his relatives; the same ones he
had left behind when he bugged out from the fight some
twenty-seven years before. They had long memories!
They also controlled a local tourist attraction, a
shrine called the Kaaba. It had been there since
Methuselah was a pup…I mean a long-long time! The
shrine has a big black rock and people came from miles
around to worship there, after paying a few coins or
produce to visit. Sheep and goats were big for trading
for tickets, but turtledoves would also do. The big
tourist season was a holy month called Ramadan when even
the worst bandits of the area were on their best
behavior. Disneyland it wasn’t, but it was supposedly
the home of over 350 different gods, which just about
covered the religious needs of the area. You can only
imagine the boost Ramadan gave the local economy;
everything went up in price for about six weeks.
Hosting a summer Olympics might be a good comparison,
but without having to invest jillions of shekels, the
local currency, for stadiums and such. And, it was a
great moneymaker, year after year!
Our Prophet made the mistake of trying to convince the
public that all the false gods should be thrown out and
that only one god, Allah, should be worshipped there; of
course with himself in control of ticket sales. His
relatives didn’t see it that way at all, and threats
were made. Muhammad decided again that he needed a
healthier climate. He and about 70 followers went to a
little town, Madinah, more than 300 klics away, and set
up shop. The town was a peaceful farming community,
with a considerable population of Jews and Christians.
The farmers were no match for Muhammad’s thugs; within a
few weeks they had intimidated the locals and were
running the town. The Prophet was now a big frog in a
little pond! This again was in 1956.
His men weren’t in the least interested in job-hunting
in their new base, but the rich convoys leaving and
entering their old hometown of Mekkah, could provide
interesting opportunities for hijacking. They asked
permission of the Prophet. After a suitable period of
meditation, some say as long as a New York minute, he
said, “Have at it boys”! This was in 1957, just a year
after arriving in Madinah.
For some time now, the camels had been replaced with
gasoline or diesel fueled trucks. They traveled in
well-guarded convoys and the first three raids were
miserable failures. Every truck had at least one guy,
riding shotgun, generally with a Remington pump loaded
with double “0” shot. The fourth hi-jacking however,
was a great success and resulted in a bunch of swag for
his men. Part of its success could have had something
to do with the fact that it occurred during the Holy
Month of Ramadan. Naturally, our Prophet provided a
convenient revelation to justify abusing this “Holy
Month”. With this success, recruits came out of the
woodwork to join him.
Two months after the first successful raid, again in
1957, Muhammad personally led 300 men and ambushed a
large convoy, from his old hometown (Mekkah). The
convoy was well protected by a much larger number of men
than Muhammad’s force. Even so, his group won and took
about 60 captive and killed the convoy’s leader, Abu
Jahl, an old enemy. Abu Jahl’s head and the prisoners
were brought to Muhammad. He personally saw to it that
they also lost their heads. There were no bulldozers or
back-hoes in the area as yet, so the soon-to-be murdered
had to use shovels to dig a big hole for their own
common grave. A witness at the scene later told The
London Times, after getting to safety in Europe, that
Muhammad’s men played “rock-paper-scissors” to see which
of them would have to cover up the last bodies.
About this time, Allah’s Prophet received a couple more
convenient revelations. One was, “You desire the lure
of this world, and Allah desires for you the Hereafter
and Allah is Mighty; Wise. Now enjoy what you have won
as lawful and good, and keep your duty to Allah”.
Another was: “Allah guarantees that he will let his
Holy Warriors, fighting for his cause, into Heaven if he
gets killed; otherwise He will get him back home safely
with rewards and booty”. (Note: To avoid any
misunderstanding by our Webster-deprived readers, the
older meaning of “booty” is spoils of war; not the rear
end of a female.)
After his first successful raid, Muhammad felt strong
enough to start a reign of terror among the citizens of
the city that had given him refuge. He had several
people murdered that he considered had slighted him in
even the smallest way, such as making fun of his
storytelling or turning down an invitation to come over
for goat-burgers at one of his backyard barbecues.
And the ones that had laughed their heads off at the
notion that he was God’s Prophet went to the head of the
line; not to enjoy his camel-chip goat-burgers, but to
lose their heads!
Then, he turned his attention to the general
population. They could get out of town in a hurry,
convert to his new religion, or lose their heads.
Amazingly, several thousand, in fact most of the town’s
population, suddenly felt that, yes indeed, this new
religion did make a great deal of sense, and yes,
undoubtedly Muhammad was God’s Last and Most Perfect
Prophet! Many Jews and Christians left, but one tribe
of Jews stayed. Since our Prophet was still interested
in converting them, they kept their heads a while
longer. About this time he received a revelation to
make sure that he would get his cut of future booty.
Before this revelation, each cutthroat was allowed to
keep everything that he could personally grab, but since
our Prophet was more a lover than fighter, he sometimes
stayed behind, and was missing out. This was corrected,
by a convenient revelation to take care of the
situation: “You’re asked about the prey. Just say the
prey belongs to Allah and his Prophet, and whatever
booty is taken, a fifth is for Allah and for his
Messenger (Muhammad), and his relatives”.
Three years later, in 1961, his relatives and their
allies decided to get rid of Muhammad once and for all!
They came with a force of about 10,000 men, and attacked
his adopted town. However, the Prophet had done a
bang up job of planning the city’s defenses, including
having some ditches dug around the town. After
only a few weeks, his enemies lost interest and went
back home. This was Muhammad’s greatest victory,
and practically without a loss. He knew that he
would soon be a big frog in a big pond!
After this success, he decided to get rid of the last
Jewish tribe of the city. Practically none had
converted and Muhammad was convinced that they had been
spying for his enemies, which they probably had been.
They were rounded up and given a last chance to convert
to the new religion. Most refused, and so the killing
began. From 700 to 900 men and teen-age boys, (who
keeps count at such occasions), plus a considerable
number of senior citizens, that wouldn’t have made good
slaves anyway, had their heads lopped off in front of
their families. It took so long that torches were
lighted to continue the job through the night. In the
morning the girls and women were raped. The Prophet
spied one Jewess, Raihana ‘bint Amr, who looked really
hot, so he grabbed her for his own harem. Some hours
before achieving this honor, she had seen her husband
and father beheaded. There is no record of how she
reacted to the situation. A Jewish rabbi, who had had
the good sense to leave town some months before, on
hearing of the massacre, was quoted as saying: “I can
only wish that she (Raihana) had been as strong for
Yahweh as Ja’el”!
A big fringe benefit of wiping out the last Jewish tribe
in the area was the considerable wealth of several
hundred households. But after all, the dead and slaves
no longer needed it! Muhammad’s warriors made out well,
but Muhammad even more so! From Allah’s previous
revelation, of some three years before, Allah, the
Prophet, and his relatives kept a fifth of everything.
We might suppose that our Prophet administered the booty
of any relatives still on speaking terms with him, and
that of Allah.
Also, in 1961, Muhammad married his seventh wife, Zeinab
‘bint Hajash. She was a cousin, and before this
marriage, blessed by Allah, came about, she had been his
daughter-in-law, the wife of his adopted son, Zayd. The
Prophet went looking for Zayd one day. He wasn’t at
home, but Zeinab was there, evidently not properly
dressed to receive company. It didn’t take long for her
to pick up that her Daddy-in-law was coming on to her in
a big way. Muhammad left, but when Zayd came home,
Zeinab told him about the visit. Zayd, had evidently
been around the block a couple of times, and without
falling off the turnip truck! He made a wise decision
and hurriedly divorced her! Zayd knew there were plenty
of women around, but a guy has only one head!
Fortunately, Allah stepped in to approve of the
situation with a divine revelation for his Prophet. It
was: “So, when Zayd had accomplished what he would of
her, then we gave her in marriage to thee (Muhammad), so
that there should not be any fault in the believers,
touching the wives of their adopted sons, when they have
accomplished what they would of them; and Allah’s
commandments must be performed”. Zayd was probably
lucky to have been rid of her; Zeinab must really have
been an airhead! She bragged that Muhammad had selected
his other wives, but only she, had been selected by
Allah to become a wife of the Prophet! (Note: This
story seems so fantastic that our readers may wish to
check out the appropriate verses of “God’s Holy Book”.
They are Sura 33:37.) Zeinab was about 35 at the time,
but evidently still a beautiful woman. She was, except
for a Christian slave, Mary, Aisha’s chief rival in the
harem.
In 1961, after defeat of his relatives and their allies
of his hometown, practically every cutthroat in the area
wanted to join up. Our Prophet had invented a winning
combination; bandits could continue to do what they did
best; rape, murder, and pillage, with all crimes
approved by Allah! And, if you got killed while doing
your thing, you had a free pass to Heaven; no need to
pass “Go”. On arrival in Paradise, you could count on
an eternal erection and 72 beautiful brown-eyed girls,
with perky titties, not the saggy kind, to keep your
interest. Of course, there were many other benefits,
too numerous to mention all, but one was: Scores of
handsome young serving boys, on call 24/7, to serve
snacks around the clock on golden trays. And, for those
not all that interested in the brown-eyed babes with
perky titties, they were sure to get lucky with the
serving boys!
In 1964, our Prophet, now 60, marches with 10,000 men,
on his old hometown, that he had left only eight years
before. The gates are opened to him, and his control
over the whole area becomes complete. He took over the
shrine, broke the statues of the false gods, and
proclaimed that only Allah would be worshipped there.
New admission tickets were rapidly printed.
For the last three years of his life, he stayed close to
home, doing what he did best, giving numerous
revelations of Allah, and servicing the ladies as king
of the local stud-muffins. In 1967, at the age of 63,
partially bald, and wearing a henna wig full of cooties
(head lice), he died of some sort of fever. Thousands
attended his funeral, though it might be imagined that
as many came to be certain that he was really dead, as
those who actually mourned his death. As planned, Abu
Bakr then took over, and Aisha, now as the widow of
God’s Holy Prophet, and daughter of his successor, took
absolute control of the harem, and made Hell on earth
for the rest of the women.
In 1967, though the United States and the Soviet Union
were locked in the Cold War, most of the free world was
undergoing a period of great prosperity. Christianity
and Judaism, peaceful and constructive religions, both
respecting knowledge and human rights of the individual,
had influenced most of the world. This combination
contributed to the prosperity of most nations, even
those to the south and east of the Mediterranean. The
entire Middle East was Christian and Jewish, though
other religions were respected. Egypt was the major
exporter of grain in the Middle East and The Balkans,
almost 100% Christian, were peaceful. Iran and India
were prosperous under their own religions. With the
exception of the countries held under world Communism,
and still some areas of Africa, most countries could
determine their own futures. And, yes, of course, some
information trickled to the outside world, of what was
happening in the Prophet’s little area. A new religion
with the catchy name of Islam (or “Peace” in the local
language) had been invented, and had been expanded
locally by the sharp edge of a sword!
But no one much cared; after all, the area had few
resources worth considering. It might have been
different if there had been any oil discovered there.
With the discovery of petroleum reserves of any size,
anywhere in the world, the multi-national oil companies
rush in, to cut a deal with whatever type of existing
government, regardless of how corrupt. Fortunately
for the world, Islam’s real estate had no oil reserves;
otherwise the more developed nations of the world might
have contributed to more and more slavery and genocide.
And so, in 1971, only four years after the Prophet’s
death, Abu Bakr tried to take Islam’s “dog and pony”
show on the road, with the invasion of a neighboring
country to the north. He failed; NATO reacted quickly
and Bakr retired, with heavy losses. The U.N. decided
to deploy a few hundred troops along the southern border
of the country that had been invaded, as “peacekeepers”,
just in case Bakr decided to try again. He didn’t!
So, even today, in the 21st century, the
area, for most of its people, is still a reflection of
the Dark Ages. Ignorance, poverty, cruelty and fear
still govern their everyday lives. Of a total
population of 18 million about 70,000 live in luxury,
with around 200,000 slaves, mostly women and eunuchs of
the harems. And women in general are only slightly
above a slave. A woman cannot leave home, and be
anywhere outside the home, unless covered from head to
toe, and accompanied by a male relative. A mother
completely loses control of her children when boys are
seven and girls are nine. To make their daughters more
desirable for marriage, some mothers encourage them to
have a painful and barbaric operation, a
clitoridectomy. The operation severs the nerves to
the clitoris, so that their daughters cannot enjoy sex.
Under Islam, that pleasure is exclusively for men!
She cannot drive a car, get a decent education without
permission, own a business without having a male
relative as intermediary, or be admitted to a hospital
without the approval of a male relative. She can
be divorced, by her husband pointing a finger at her,
and saying, “I divorce you”!, three times in succession.
This also can be done, by tacking a note to the
refrigerator, but there is still an ongoing discussion
if this can be done by telephone. Her husband can
marry as many other wives as he wishes and is not
obligated to tell her. He can also have as many
“afternoon wives” as he can convince to go along with
him on this flakey deal. The “afternoon wife” has
to give up any legal rights for herself, and any
children born out of the arrangement, for a few minutes
of pleasure in the afternoons. However, it is
extremely difficult for a woman to divorce a husband.
A woman receives half the inheritance of a brother, and
in a court case, her testimony will count as only half
that of a male.
The schools are still teaching that the world is flat
and that the sun revolves around the earth. And, of
course, the big black rock is still a great moneymaker!
* * * * *
Author’s Notes:
(1) THE LAST TWO PARAGRAPHS ABOVE ARE AN ENTIRELY
ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF LIFE TODAY IN SAUDI ARABIA, THE
SEAT OF ISLAM IN THE YEAR 2006! Most of this
information is from the U.S. State Department, Country
Report on Human Rights Practices in the Kingdom of Saudi
Arabia for 2002. This report can be found in most
public libraries.
(2) Though the above article is a fanciful attempt to
re-write history, the facts are essentially correct,
regarding the life of Muhammad. And conjecture, as
to how the Middle East, and other parts of the world,
would have fared without Islam, and the discovery of
vast petroleum reserves in the region, could well be
accurate.
(3) Muhammad was personally guilty of murder, including
by crucifixion and beheadings, rape, torture,
abductions, extortion, slavery, theft, mutilations,
adultery, abuse of women, physically and sexually, and
at least one case of sexual abuse of a child. This is
all well documented history!
(4) If a megalomaniac, such as Muhammad, were to appear
on the scene today, the civilized world would sooner or
later react, and would at least insure that his crimes
would be confined to his own area of the world (Saudi
Arabia), still a festering pus-filled carbuncle on the
backside of the world! He would not have had the
opportunity to pass on his blueprint of conquest,
responsible for the longest record of genocide and
slavery known to history, responsible for hundreds of
millions of victims, many times over the combined
victims of Hitler and World Communism! Islam was until
quite recently, spread exclusively by the sword! Of the
estimated 1.5 billion Muslims of the world, less than
10% are Arabs, or of Arabic descent, the remainder, are
descendants of societies conquered and enslaved by Islam
over a period of more than 1,300 years!
“A religion, as a man, must be judged by the fruits of
having existed; what has Islam given to our world,
except genocide, slavery and denigration of the human
spirit?” [This quote from M.J. Haipur in
1997].
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